Grief Support

After the death of a loved one, the support system of Hospice does not end. Our social workers and bereavement counselors are here to help and guide the bereaved through their grief and mourning.

For those grieving the death of a loved one, we offer monthly letters and articles which provide support and grief education, telephone support, individual and family counseling by licensed grief counselors, grief support groups and grief education presentations and resources for organizations and schools.

What can I do?

Only by allowing ourselves to feel the most intense and shattering pain can we move toward a life in which pain is not the center.

-- John H. Stanley

First, do nothing. Simply feel what you feel. It is a simple notion but not necessarily an easy one. It may be the very last thing we want to do because what we feel may be very painful. If we are surrounded by people who want to distract us because our pain makes them uncomfortable, it can also be a very lonely time. Those around us may not like this 'new' person who is grieving, and they may want the 'old' us back as soon as possible. But we are forever changed. It is not possible for us to be the person we were because we cannot undo this loss we have experienced. And so we need to feel. Our feelings are not wrong; they just are. Think of them more as a barometer or reflection of the changes happening deep within. Actually feeling, and even exploring that feeling, is the best way to get to the point where we do not feel overwhelmed by our emotions.

Second, express what you feel. This is called mourning, and it is absolutely critical. If we bottle up and try to ignore our feelings, they will come out in other, perhaps unhealthy or even dangerous, ways. Our pain is real, and it deserves a voice. There are many ways to express grief: talking, crying, writing, praying, singing, living with intentional awareness, or expressing appreciation for what we have. Expressing grief can be done privately - in a journal or in a silent prayer. It can occur in a more public fashion - support group meetings, remembrance services, or visiting memorials. Some of our world's most famous music and works of art were created during a time of incredible loss during that artist's life. We give ourselves a gift when we create space in our lives to allow our feelings to surface, whatever those feelings may be. If we stay busy or numb our feelings with drugs and alcohol, it only delays the inevitable.

It is very important to take care of our physical selves during this time. Our immune system can be affected by grief, and we are more vulnerable to illness and accidents. As much as we are able, we need to eat balanced meals and drink plenty of fluids, especially water. We need rest and may find ourselves sleeping more than usual. We should try to stay away from alcohol and other substances that can numb our pain. Our bodies will tell us what we need if we pay attention.

Heal At Your Own Pace

·         Although others may demand it, don’t feel the need to immediately “understand” why the loss happened, or instantly “accept” the loss gracefully.

·         They’ll tell you to “shrug it off,” “roll with the punches” and “snap out of it.”

·         Healing is a process.  You have the full right to experience the process in your own way, to gain your understandings and realizations in your own time.

·         To demanding friends, you can quote the proverb:  “Be patient.  God (or nature) hasn’t finished healing me yet.”

Pamper Yourself

If you have a broken leg and are hospitalized, friends bring you flowers, relatives send baskets of fruit, you lie in bed all day reading or watching TV, nurses give you back rubs, doctors poke, prod and nod encouragingly.  In short, you are pampered.

If you have a broken heart, friends expect you to be your cheerful old self, relatives expect you to fulfill all your family obligations and you are expected to show up for work as energetic and efficient as ever. 

In short, you must deal with a world that does not accept the fact that emotional pain not only hurts, but that it can be debilitating.

The solution?  Pamper yourself!  Do for yourself whatever your parents did to comfort you as a child or try one of the following suggestions:

v     Take a hot bath (no matter how you feel, thirty minutes after a hot bath you’ll feel a lot better).

v     Snack on warm milk and cookies before bed.

v     Buy yourself something you’d really enjoy.

v     Treat yourself to your favorite double-dip ice-cream cone (with sprinkles).

v     Take a trip.

v     Bask in the sun.

v     Read a good book.

v     Watch a good video.

v     Go to your favorite restaurant.

v     Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers.

Material adapted from:  How to Survive the Loss of a Love

by Melba Colgrove, Ph.D., Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. & Peter McWilliams